Now what?

I'm sitting here in bed watching Biggest Loser on my computer, and I realize, that I've let myself become this overweight mess that I am because I never fully got over the loss of my miscarriage.  I have an amazing 6 year old who knows me as a mean mom and I don't compare her to the child that I lost, but she is constantly asking questions.  I would have an amazing 14 year old, but I would also have to have a relationship with her father.  I obviously didn't need to have that relationship, and that is why I lost the baby, I'm sure.  I need to find a way to quit blaming myself for the loss of that baby, and quit punishing the one I have.  She's not a bad kiddo, she's wonderful, she uses her manners so well, she's helpful and I don't appreciate all of that, I talk about how bad she is instead.  I'm going to work on doing both of the things I've listed here.  Appreciate both of my kiddos more, and show the one who did live that she is important to me and not just a pain in my rear.  I don't want to raise a child who turns into the adult I am.  I want her to be better, and I need to let go of the pain that I live with and get myself into better shape to be here for the one I have instead of waiting to meet the one I lost.